The poor fool dabbed his blotter
Hoping for some column fodder
His pen would become dry
He thought he was going to cry
Then I turned to the old three-pointer. . .
Again, with a salute to heaven at Jim Murray and ours Brad Willsonand a nod to Guest, let’s go dot-dot-dot. . .
First, we go back to last weekend’s column about spending a day at the Masters as a civilian, without the laptop, deadlines, or free lunch. While rushing to meet the aforementioned deadline, some things were overlooked. Like the famous concession aisles now offering Chardonnay, served in a smaller version of the Masters tumbler (which itself is a souvenir). . . The cup appears to be around 6 ounces, and yes, Chardonnay is the only brand of wine served, which tells me it might be President Fred Ridley, or perhaps Mrs. Ridley . . . Mr. Augusta National Chairman is a former Florida Gator golfer, American amateur champion (1975) and a graduate of Stetson Law, by the way. Stetson’s College of Law is across the street in the St. Pete suburb of Gulfport, in case you were wondering. . . Florida A&M’s law school, based in Tallahassee, is in Orlando, and I’m starting to assume the lawyers know a lot about geography. . . I was wondering where the Masters win puts Scottie Scheffler on the all-time list of sporting Scotties. The Boys in Research came back with an alarming number of Scotties worth mentioning. The NBAs Seed and the NHL Upshall top of the list. . . I love post-Masters quote from Scott Scheffler, Scottie’s father: “The Schefflers have their problems, but they are good people”. . . Show of hands. Yes, as I thought. We all threw that disclaimer away when we first introduced a certain person to the family. . .
SCHEFFLER ON A ROLL:Scottie teleports into a masterful golf stratosphere | KEN WILLIS
WHICH FINGER? :So you want to play Augusta National? Let’s negotiate the terms | KEN WILLIS
Drowning on . . . and on . . .
Where were we? Ah, Augustus. CBS drone coverage didn’t start this year, but it was the first year since 2019 that the full fan contingent was there, and after 80 years of hearing nothing but birds chirping, it took a few days to get used to the occasional hum of the drone. . . And my God, what photos they delivered. If you haven’t seen it, find footage of the Masters drone buzzing along Magnolia Lane and across the entire clubhouse, upstairs and downstairs, as well as the veranda. . . If only they had one when Bubba Watson reached that corner of the playoffs in 2012. . . Good God, who says “footage” anymore? What am I, 90? . . . Before leaving Augusta, let’s talk about labor shortages. If you thought one place would be safe, it’s Augusta National. Local schools always schedule spring break for Masters Week, which provides a large workforce of young people for a variety of tournament jobs. Two supervisors suggested they had lost about a third of their normal number of staff this year. . .
Supply chain solution!
When I’ve discussed the staffing levels of big events like our very own Daytona 500, I’ve always said they should look at Augusta National’s philosophy: if it’s a two-person job, put six. Well, this year those two-person jobs seemed to be down to four. They threaten to fall below the standards of your local public works project, which has apparently improved a bit – the Watcher-to-Worker ratio is back to 3:1, by my estimate. . . Yet if the chairmen of all the Masters tournament committees were responsible for the US supply chain, we would be swimming in consumer goods by May. . .
Oh no, a mention of proctology?
Now that Jim Kaat was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, let’s get to work At Tommy John’s induction. His 288 wins are only half the story. He was the elbow surgery guinea pig that would forever bear his name and save countless pitching careers. Frankly, they should also probably induct Dr Frank Jobe, who invented this amazing surgery . . . Tommy John, when asked over the years how it felt to have his name associated with surgery, had a standard response: “I’m just glad it wasn’t a proctologic procedure.” . . I should have seen this coming when top college athletes started taking advantage of the new NIL rules. A Friday article in the Wall Street Journal talks about the impending “aha moment” – known to all as the federal income tax deadline. Whether it’s cash or anything else of value, sooner or later you’ll have to pay the man. . . Speaking of which, the UF quarterback Anthony Richardson now discusses the legalities of driving a 105 when the speed limit is 60. Richardson was driving a 2021 Dodge and, yes, he has a NIL deal with a Gainesville Dodge dealership. Quick, put it in a 1978 Dodge Omni. If I remember correctly, it couldn’t hit 105 if the speedometer was reading miles.
— Contact Ken Willis at firstname.lastname@example.org